Stream or Flow

This dream sometimes plagues me, even after four years.

I’ve been piecing it together, little by little, over time.

I was trekking through a plush forest when I suddenly realize that I had forgotten something incredibly important… and my heart began to pound in my chest

Ohhhh SHIT. That’s right… I’m late for the most important exam of Life

What is WRONG with me??? I’m such a fuck up

This is a feeling I’ve battled with throughout my life… of barely sliding by, making it just in time

as I struggle to understand why

So I made it to the school which was set deep in the forest, near a flowing stream

that empties into to the ocean

It was nearly too late to take the exam and I was nearly in tears

The other students pushed by me, turning in their papers, giving me cavalier glances

Our Buddhist teacher looked more like an old wizard with a long white beard

Was he disappointed? No. He expected this from me… which kind of made it worse

And I received the “Big Question” handwritten in ink, just as a torrential thunderstorm began

soaking my exam sheet as I held it in my hands, asking people in passing for a pen or pencil

and several shook their heads or ignored me altogether

adding to my failure and shame

Fortunately, I found a pen and a seat in front of the dilapidated school building

The question:  Explain the difference between a stream and flow

It’s supposedly THE question of Life

I panicked

Oh my god. What does that mean?!

Does it even make sense? Am I a complete idiot?

The storm raged, soaking the sheet as the ink bled

I ran inside to join the other students in the schools’ basement, (which was pretty stupid as the water came pouring in, quickly flooding the halls)

I entered a classroom, in attempt to finish this exam

I found a desk but was halfway underwater

struggling to remain seated and the desk turned over

while I held tight to the crumpled exam sheet

the question is washed away… paper destroyed

Reluctantly, I let go of the desk and it sinks as I’m washed away by the heavy currents
bobbing up & down, being carried by a stream

I’m exhausted, giving up, floating off, flowing out towards the sea

then I begin to sink, face up, eyes open, looking up through the water
and plunging further down into the serene darkness

until I liquesce into the watery void

of the sea.

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Jack Arthur Duncan

I’ll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day and through

In that small cafe
The park across the way
The children’s carousel
The chestnut trees, the wishing well

I’ll be seeing you
In every lovely summer’s day
In everything that’s light and gay
I’ll always think of you that way

I’ll find you in the morning sun
And when the night is new
I’ll be looking at the moon
But I’ll be seeing you

I’ll be seeing you
In every lovely summer’s day
In everything that’s light and gay
I’ll always think of you that way

I’ll find you in the morning sun
And when the night is new
I’ll be looking at the moon
But I’ll be seeing You

Originally written by Irving Kahal with music by Sammy Fain — later covered by Frank Sinatra and many others

Jack…

Jack, I woke to this terrible dream

That I’ll never hear your voice and your laugh again

That I could no longer imagine you sitting on that dock by the lake

That Rikki is alone, crying over you

I can’t believe my life continues without you

You should’ve been my father

but you were my beloved mentor

I’ve carried your words in my mind for sooooooo long

You’ve lived in my mind for so long

that a part of me became you

I wanted so much to impress you, to make you proud

And really, I should’ve just told you, again… I love you

It’s been so long since I told you that

I miss you so much

I miss you

I miss you

God. I miss you so much

I’m so sorry for letting you believe, for even a second, that I had forgotten you

I forgot nothing!

I was so fortunate to have known you

I’ll be hearing you and seeing you for the rest of my life

like echoes and reflections that span time and space

Jack,

I love you always

by Categories: father, heartbreak, mentor, RegretTags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

What we are. Unborn.

What are we.
 
What is the core nature of humans as with all beings.
 
We are basically each an interactive receptacle that not only reflects our surroundings but also absorbs our surroundings. We share a symbiotic relationship with the environment we inhabit, and everything it inhabits, and so on.

We affect our environment. Our environment affects us.

We are our environment. 

We were not created independent of the aggregate of surrounding things, habitat, conditions, or influences; milieu, or from something external to this expansive realm.

We developed from beings whose existence was also dependent on their environment, made of material that pre-existed their material form. The same can be said of the beings who they had initially developed from as well.

 
Independent of our host; our mother’s bodies, we  grew and thrived from our environment like a second stage womb. And if everything that we are comes from everything that has already has existed then “we” were never actually “born” but developed from what has already existed of realms beyond realms before.
If we break down our parts into the places of their origin, what you can deduct is that “we” never really die. 
 
Beyond contemplating whether or not we are the sum of our parts leaves the question of what the nature of those parts entail.
 

We are never really individuals. That is a false idea, a social construct employed to help us function and perform independently for the purpose of survival.

However, in reality we have always been dependent, no matter how much we set ourselves physically, psychically and emotionally apart from one another and our environment. 

The entirety of our being, and all of it’s content and knowledge contained within our bodies, has merely been borrowed and exchanged for billions and trillions and who knows how far back it all goes…  
 
We never die.
 
Because, we were never really born.
by Categories: Bankei Yōtaku, Buddhism, dreams, Unborn, ZenTags: , , , , , Leave a comment

Unknowing

Watching a movie about a detective who had interviewed Ted Bundy in order to catch Gary Ridgway triggered a particular emotional memory in me… and roused a stream of thoughts and questions.

He says, “If you’ve known someone so dark, so terrifying… and you’ve crawled into every foul corner that they think they’ve hidden from you.. and you’ve inhabited them… How do you come back? [How do you] then return to how you used to be?”

Or, how I rephrase it, using my own experience… How does one unsee and unknow these horrible things that have now been infused and embedded into ones’ mind?

I’ve asked myself this question throughout my life. What do I do with this information, this memory, this emotion.

From witnessing the violence between my parents, hearing the screams and shrieks, seeing my mother’s bloody face as she slid down the wall into a pile on the floor, being the subject of unwarranted humiliation, being manipulated by a trusted neighbor who was actually a violent, sociopathic pedophile (but only to be stalked and molested psychologically, but not raped, fortunately) to being lied to, deceived by a lover, a proposed life mate who thoroughly enjoyed enacting this betrayal upon me…

And then there is bearing the sudden death of loved ones, by suicide, murder, cancer…

Oh, what a special kind of heartbreak.

How do I unbreak my heart?

How do I unknow and “unexperience” these terrible things? To forget.

How?

There are some things I would love to forget.

Sometimes I’ve felt like a child that was so terrified of that Boogey Man that she froze and couldn’t divert her eyes … until it did reveal itself time and time again. Yes child. I am sorry but there is and always will be a Boogey Man.

And how do I not, at some point every day, feel that icy cold splash of information shocking my psyche, reminding me that Jack or Anna or Gion or Michael, Mila… They are…. gone. Just like that. And that’s… LIFE??????

Yes. The great wonder and blessed curse of being Temporary.

OH MY GOD. IT MAKES ME SOOOOOOOOO FUCKING ANGRY.

And FORGET about asking Why.

WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why?

If it could be heard, I would say…… Hey. Life. SO THAT’S IT????? Just like that?

Just. gone.

Just… neither just or unjust.

Beat a person down. Steal their hope. Their joy.

Their LIFE.

I’m sure life is answering but I’m not listening. Not quite yet.

Sometimes, I wish I was that thirteen year old girl in Pensacola Florida, on a perfect summers day, perched in a tree like a young kitten full of wonder. Watching life around me. Safe. Invisible.

Happy.

And one day all of my memories will be gone and I’ll finally get my wish.

To unknow everything.

Harry closed his eyes. He never wanted to open them again. His heart sent this message to his molecules: “For reasons obvious to all of us, this galaxy is dissolved!”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Breakfast of Champions

by Categories: death, heartbreak, memory, unknowingTags: , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Dreaming or Awake?

“We are asleep. Our life is a dream. But we wake up, sometimes, just enough to know that we are dreaming.”
— Ludwig Wittgenstein

I will often dream something while “sleeping” that supplies me with new knowledge that I didn’t have before then and yet I will “wake up” to the daily repetition of preparing for work and unpaid bills…

So, which version of me is actually more asleep and more aware?

These Dreams Are Real

1976 – Airplane : 3 Yrs old, in a coma ~ death, cruelty, laughing at one’s pain ~ Did I die?

2000 – Michael : underwater ~ “This is death” ~ Michael shows me death.

2010 – Buddhist monks chanting/self image/bathroom mirror and room becomes translucent and I leave
Anger, rage, self-hate/disgust suddenly transforms into spiritual ecstasy; I am free

2011 – Late for the Final Exam of Life. My teacher is disappointed? No. He expected this.
The rain ruins my exam sheet; the ink is blurred
I can barely make out the question. And it’s THE Question!
The question: “Explain the difference between a stream and flow”
This is supposedly THE question of life. WHAT DOES IT MEAN??????
Being swept downstream, holding on to my desk, then sinking

2010 – DKs betrayal : Vishnu ~ “It’s YOU!”
“Yes, baby. You were so blue.” Blue Narcissus or beautiful Vishnu? Both.

2015 – Jack Duncan taking me out of the Hell and heartbreak in Korea,
during the night… among the stars.
Jack comes to me. Casual conversation in a store. He touches the side of my head
“I can feel you! Is this real????” The pain is gone. Was it brain cancer?

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